Saturday, September 18, 2021
We are supposed to communicate and let shit out, technically, right?
If something bothers us, we are always told to “talk about it” and “work through it together” type of thing.
Today, we are gonna dive into my fucking raw and real emotions and feelings. What emotions and feelings, you may ask? Well, primarily? Anger.
Personally, I haven’t ever really understood how my emotions and feelings work, until I became a Psychology Major a few years ago.
(Fucking fantastic choice on my part at first, I am obsessed with Psychology).
Still though, I don’t fully understand them all. But, I am trying to.
Anger- if there is one thing I know for a fact about anger, is that it almost, if not always, is masking another emotion/feeling: typically one along the lines of depression, sadness, disappointment, or the like.
(Fun fact, right?!)
If I am to be completely honest, it is actually a bit difficult to write this post.
I am not exactly the type of person who puts their whole life story out for the world to see, at least not up until recently when I decided to pursue a writing career.
But, it has been damn near engraved into my brain, my entire life, that writing is a “fantastic outlet” when it comes to getting things out.
So, I figured, fuck it- let’s talk about some real life fucking shit, since IRL being “social” is not typically on my agenda nor do I have anyone to socialize with- and here I am. Writing about anger.
Since, currently, I am fucking angry, and I am about to tell you why that is.
As you have probably read by now, I am mentally fucked as far as how my brain has become wired since I developed eight different mental disorders, so my cognitive processes are not always the most logical, at least not in the moment!
Obviously, I eventually am able to rationalize the situation and analyze what the best course of action would be- thank fucking goddess (LOL, I am Pagan just a little FYI!).
So now, on today’s episode of ‘Why Haylee is Flaming Angry This Time’…
Growing up, I always ended up moving around constantly. All the way up until the sixth grade, actually, so it is damn near impossible for me to be happy about the concept/idea of moving at all.
Especially since I live in a house for an extremely amazing price- and, we can remodel freely with NO PENALTIES OR FINES! It is honestly a fantastic set up for a place to live.
The problem, though?
My Fiancé and I, had just gotten off the phone prior to when I began writing this, and he decided to tell me about this “opportunity” for a high paying gig, but it would require us to move- about four hours from where we are currently living.
Now, do not get this shit twisted- I am super happy to hear about a solid paying gig and all, but it didn’t exactly seem like it was a “discussion” as far as if we are going to move or not.
He and I, have discussed moving to this area before, but to my knowledge, only about an hour and a half away from my home area- nope. It is four hours away from here!
There isn’t an issue for me as far as working goes, since I am a Freelancer which is great, sure… but it is not great, potentially having to move to bum fuck Egypt part two, where I’m by myself five, out of the seven days in a fucking week, in an area that is completely unfamiliar and unknown- resulting in several less than positive emotions/feelings. (thanks, C-PTSD.)
Between having had to move around so much growing up, combined with the now full-blown Complex-PTSD, along with being told about moving over the phone, I am obviously not very happy.
Although the area I currently live in fucking sucks, my anxiety tells me that this new area could definitely be worse.
Ah, mental illness- gotta love it, right?
Yeah, no. I wish that I was able to be more in control of my reactions to tough scenarios, and it is not always this rough- as with anything, there are the good days, and then there are the not so good days- like this one.
Oh, and not to mention having to manage having Borderline Personality Disorder, also. Borderline Personality Disorder, for those of you reading this that aren’t very educated on this disorder, causes very abrupt changes in mood- triggered by external factors, while my Bipolar 1 Disorder mood swings are caused by a chemical imbalance, within my brain itself. Therefore, when you combine all three of those disorders, mixed with some high-functioning, severe anxiety, it becomes fucking awful- to say the damn least!
As I clearly stated in the introductory blog post, this blog is to consist of nothing less than brutal, raw honest stories of all sorts within the niches I stated in the intro post, as well. From Sex Work, to Cannabis, to Mental Illness, to my Book Blogs, I’ve got you fucking covered.
Want to read something specific? Email it to me! I am more than glad, ecstatic to, actually, write about anything and everything all of you sexy bitches want to hear!
Leave a comment with what you want to read about next! Stay tuned, also, for my next Book Blog- coming very soon.
Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk on Anger and ranting.
Positive fucking vibes from me, to you!